From Chaos to Clarity: How I Became the Guide for Families Impacted by Addiction A Family Recovery Coach's Revolutionary Truth

This is the story I've been afraid to share. The one that's kept me from fully launching my business, from stepping into my purpose, from claiming the work I know I'm meant to do. Sharing it requires a level of vulnerability that makes me uncomfortable.

The irony isn't lost on me: I've chosen a path that requires me to be visible and public. For years, I told myself, "I'm a private person" when the underlying belief was "No one cares." That was a comfortable place to hide, safely avoiding judgment.

But I cannot ask the families I serve to step out of the shadows of shame and stigma if I'm still hiding in my own. So, here it is, the story I’ve never fully told - and the expertise I've earned through living it, learning from it, and dedicating years to understanding how to help families find their way through.

The Household That Wasn't (But Was)

I grew up in what I now know was an alcoholic household. Yet, my parents weren't drinkers - not in the way most people understand the term. They drank socially, and never to excess. But the patterns, the conflict, the tension, the chaos that defines an alcoholic home? We had that.

Let me be absolutely clear: I had a good childhood. My parents provided everything I needed. I know with all my heart they did the very best they could with what they had. I'm not here to complain, shame, or blame anyone.

This is about understanding that the cunning, baffling, and powerful disease of alcoholism doesn't need alcohol to survive. It just needs unquestioned beliefs passed down like family heirlooms. Allow me to explain…

Both of my parents had parents who struggled with alcoholism. They married young, seeking to escape bad situations at home, believing they were leaving it all behind.

They didn't realize they had packed up all the emotional dysfunction they grew up with, and took it with them into their marriage.This is more common than most people realize.

As the youngest of four girls living in a pretty emotionally volatile home, I became a highly attuned sensor, absorbing everyone's pain. I took on the job of trying to control temperature of our household. I wanted everyone to be happy. I believed if I could just be perfect, quiet, and helpful enough, everything would be okay and there would be peace. I was what many might call: codependent.

The Question That Would Haunt Me

I grew up in an affluent town and had friends who had everything I thought I wanted - big houses, cars, parents with money, lives that looked perfect from the outside. It wasn't until a post-graduation trip that I saw past the facade... they were miserable.

Hearing them complain despite all their privilege broke something open in me. I came home literally sobbing to my mother, "Why can't everyone just be HAPPY?!" In that moment, a lifelong quest was born.

In college, when given the chance to research anything I wanted, I chose happiness of course. My friend and I interviewed over 100 strangers asking their definition of happiness. We collected predictable responses like health, family, purpose. I’ll never forget the most haunting reply came from one person who described happiness as "a very small space in time" and how it broke my people-pleasing heart.

The Pattern Continues

After graduating from college, I fell in love. His drinking didn't concern me much. After all, my friends and I drank a lot in college. I saw the red flags. And I chose to ignore them.

We got married, had three beautiful children. I became a stay-at-home mom and the kids became my entire life. My purpose. My whole identity.

My husband's drinking wasn't a problem - until it became something I could no longer ignore.

By then I had perfected the art of codependency. I was the martyr, controlling, self-righteous, and manipulative (I called it "helping"). Convinced that if I could just manage everyone's emotions, fix everyone's problems, sacrifice enough of myself - we'd all be okay. It was totally unsustainable.

The marriage fell apart. And just so you know… I didn't divorce my husband because he had a drinking problem. He divorced me because I drove him absolutely crazy trying to fix him.

A few days after being served divorce papers, I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting. I didn't want to be there. I was angry, defensive, certain I wasn't the one with a problem.

By this time I understood the generational cycle of alcoholism. I wasn't there to heal myself. I was there to stop the cycle, determined I would never be one of those mothers crying about a child struggling with addiction. That was NOT going to happen in MY family.

I was still trying to control the uncontrollable.

Hitting My Personal Rock Bottom

The divorce devastated me. What followed was an ugly custody battle fueled by my rage, a lack of resources, and a profoundly broken family court system. Desperate, dysregulated, and filled with fury, negotiations did not go well.

My children were hurt in ways I can never fully repair, because I didn't have the skills to manage my own emotions. How could I possibly teach them to process pain, to sit with difficulty, to be okay, even when life isn't, if I didn't know how myself?

That failure - that profound inadequacy - is something I still carry with deep regret.

There was a period when I was separated from my children - my entire reason for living. Suddenly, they were gone. The house was empty. The silence was deafening.

There were moments when I didn't think I could survive the pain. Moments when I genuinely believed that giving up on life was the only way to make it stop.

It was during this dark period, confronting the wreckage of my life, that a profound truth finally broke through: It wasn't my children's job to make me happy.

(They say the lesson keeps repeating itself until it is learned...)

It had never been my husband's job, my parent's job, or anyone else's job. My happiness was never anyone's responsibility but my own.

This realization came not as relief, but as grief - for a lifetime spent looking everywhere but inside myself, and for decades lost trying to control things I was never meant to control.

The Healing Journey: From Surviving to Thriving

My healing began with my body first when I discovered yoga. I learned to simply sit with nothing but my breath, body, and chaotic mind.

I discovered the work of Nikki Myers and her Yoga of 12-Step Recovery (Y12SR). Then Tommy Rosen and his Recovery 2.0 community. I saw how they were using yoga and mindfulness to support people in addiction recovery.

It was one of those earth-shattering moments that I realized: families need this too! I knew at that moment this is what I was meant to do. I became a yoga instructor so I could be one of Nikki's Y12SR leaders.

My purpose was clear and everything I had been through made sense, because it led me here… supporting families just like mine who are impacted by addiction.

It wasn't just a fleeting thought. It was a calling I couldn't ignore (even when I desperately wanted to). And believe me, most days I wanted to. This mission - this vision for what I'm creating - it is so big it scared me. It still does.

Over the years, I've dedicated myself to deep study and extensive training in trauma-informed care, addiction science, mindfulness practices, and family systems. I became a Recovery Yoga Instructor, Workshop and Support Group Facilitator, Certified Recovery Support Specialist, Intentional Peer Support Specialist, Mental Health First Aid Certified, Recovery Coach, Meditation and Mindfulness teacher, and most recently, a Happy for No Reason Certified Trainer.

That last one makes perfect sense, doesn't it? The girl who sobbed "Why can't everyone just be happy?!" grew up to become professionally trained in the science of sustainable, unconditional happiness.

The Revolutionary Truth: What Science and Experience Have Taught Me

Unlike many of my teachers who I greatly respect and admire, I do not have a PhD. I'm not a guru who meditates for hours on mountaintops. I’ve never lived in an ashram in India.

I’m just an ordinary single mom who has been to hell and back. My meditation sessions take place between loads of laundry. I've lived in chaos (some days still do) and I've figured out some pretty skillful ways to cope. Just like many of the families I serve, my life is far from perfect. I still struggle.

That’s why I've spent so many years studying the neuroscience of stress, the psychology of codependency, and evidence-based approaches to family recovery. (My addiction is learning).

It's necessary for me to feel not only deeply called, but also well-qualified to share what I've learned, so others don't have to suffer the way I did.

Here's what I know...

Our happiness cannot be contingent on anyone else's. Not our children's. Not our spouse's. Not our addicted loved ones’.

What Marci Shimoff's "Happy for No Reason" training taught me, and what my own brutal journey finally beat into my stubborn heart:

The belief that "I can only be as happy as my unhappiest child" - isn't love. It's codependency. And it actually places on our loved ones an enormous burden that no one should ever have to carry.

This isn't just a family problem. It's a cultural problem.

We're taught (especially women) that other people's needs matter more than our own. That self-sacrifice is noble. That good mothers, good wives, good daughters set themselves on fire to keep others warm.

These are lies that lead to the kind of resentment that destroys families.

What's needed is a cultural shift - an awakening to the revolutionary understanding that self-care is not selfish. It's the foundation upon which we can genuinely and effectively help others (and I’m not talking about bubble baths and manicures).

The Mission: Ending the Stigma, Building a Better Future

I'm building a community to support families impacted by addiction because I can't not do it. Because there are millions of families suffering in isolation, drowning in shame, being given harmful and outdated advice that doesn't work …

"Cut them off."

“If you help them you’re an enabler.”

"Let them hit rock bottom."

"There's nothing you can do."

This advice isn’t just bad - it’s dangerous. Every day in the US, hundreds of families are discovering that "rock bottom" means death.

And waiting for someone to be ready for change while making ourselves sick with worry, fear, and stress… serves no one.

More than 40 million people over the age of 12 (in the US) struggle with substance use disorder, yet fewer than 10% will seek treatment.

For every one person struggling with addiction there are at least 1-4 family members who are negatively impacted - and only 2% will seek support - mostly because they don't know help is available to them.

That’s why I'm dedicated to building a world where the shame, blame, and stigma around mental health and addiction no longer exist...

A world where it's not shameful to say in an obituary that someone died from an overdose...

A world where communities rally around families facing a loved one's addiction, the same way we support families facing cancer - with compassion, casseroles, and concrete support.

Why? Because in the darkness of secrecy, shame, and isolation, addiction THRIVES. Addiction can't survive in the light of kindness, acceptance, and understanding.

Why I'm Finally Sharing My Story

For years, I've hidden behind the scenes. I shy away from cameras. I've been too afraid to be the center of my own story, to be the face of my business, to claim my expertise.

But I realized I can't ask families to step out of shame if I'm still hiding in it myself.

This story is hard to tell. It makes me vulnerable in ways that feel so scary. But it's the truth. And I've learned that where there is truth - there is healing.

Here's what I know…

If you're waiting for your loved one to get sober before you can be happy, if you're waiting for the chaos to end before you find peace, if you're waiting for everyone around you to be okay before you can be okay - you don't have to wait. Your peace can begin today. It all begins with YOU.

You are not powerless. You are not helpless. You are not alone.

You can be a family choosing a different path - one of strength through serenity, power through peace, and healing through community. This is more than support, it’s the Family Recovery MOVEMENT.

A revolution of the heart.

If you're ready to stop making other people's happiness a prerequisite for your own, if you're ready to learn that you have more power than you think, if you're ready to stop suffering in silence - I'm here. Not as the guru with all the answers, just as your “guide on the side”.

Join my free Serenity Circle community at serenitycircle.co and let's end the shame, blame, and stigma around addiction together.

The Serenity Circle is a mindfulness-based community where families can get healthy and strong in mind, body, and spirit. Where they can learn about addiction and evidence-based approaches that actually work. Where they can find support without judgment.

Go here to read the Serenity Circle Manifesto

If you need support, feel free to reach out!

Karen Bernetti, Founder of Mindful Family Recovery